Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
