just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my poor anus
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?