i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.