This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
