He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I skipped work to stalk him.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process