Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?