My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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