My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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