My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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