we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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