The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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