highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Your penis caused this!
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