This house was built for laser tag.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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