ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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