fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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