before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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