so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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