a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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