Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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