im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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