I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
