Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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