with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
