There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
