Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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