I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
