Don't make out with my wife yet
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
