I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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