fuck your aforementioned shoe
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
