Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
