Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
