And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
