Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
