We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pants are for mortals
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
