Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
