Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
