Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
