That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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