I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
