In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
