so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize