How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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