real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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