There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
