yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
