oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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