I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
