and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
