Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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