So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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