the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
