I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
