Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
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