I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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