So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
