Life is so much better after having sex.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
