Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
