This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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