and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.