Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill