Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
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I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?