I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
