woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
